If history is summarized as follows: I have fear. Not just that I'm afraid, is that I live in fear. Live fucking, waiting for the day when you lose what you've "won." Before I had nothing and tried not to take anything, I was not happy, but at least it was quiet. She was quiet serene and peaceful. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. Now the situation is no longer that.
few times I think I will be able to fall and rise again. I know I will keep rising, again and again and again. I know I will because I have done many times before;
but do not want to go through that again, I will not fall again. I never want to be strong, do not ever want to be anything.
Now I have things I have "stuff" I can not leave behind, which would affect if I leave and that will affect me if I leave, and that continues to haunt me.
not consider myself a coward, but I'm no hero losing battle.
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